Versi Rapi

"You should rest." Someone messaged me those words this evening. And i wonder, rest from what? I'm not tired at all.

Kata orang suatu saat kita bakal sampai pada titik dimana kita mempertanyakan kembali keputusan-keputusan besar yang pernah kita ambil dalam hidup. Berandai-andai kembali ke masa lalu. Undone things. Bertanya-tanya apakah semuanya bakal lebih baik. Dan berujung pada pertanyaan, sebenernya hidup di dunia mau nyari apa 😅

Macem malem ini. "Kenapa dulu memutuskan untuk nggak muncak ke Fansipan?" Dan nyeselnya baru sekarang.. haha okay that's a lame example 😅

Anyway, akhir-akhir ini gue suka tiba-tiba keinget hal-hal yang udah terlanjur terlewat di belakang. Kadang gue ngerasa pace gue terlalu cepat, banyak yang nggak bisa ngikutin. Termasuk diri gue sendiri. Dan barusan ngobrol sama teman lama ngebahas topik macem gini bikin gue mikir banyak tentang kemana perginya waktu di hidup gue beberapa tahun ke belakang. 

Termasuk satu yang mengusik, yaitu pertanyaan "growth or goal". Gue sadar gue growth oriented banget, nggak pernah set goal untuk apapun. Literally apapun. Delayed gratification is the goal itself. Bagi gue, target cuma akan membatasi. Yang penting prosesnya. Macem anak backpacker yang selalu bilang, its all about the journey, not the destination.

Tapi akhir-akhir ini gue mikir. Pada mindset kayak gitu, titik saat dimana kita bilang cukup, berhenti dan nikmatin, itu kapan?

Because I think I just dont know how to feel 'enough'. Maksud gue bukan greedy tapi lebih ke selalu ada standar baru untuk dicapai. Semacam ketika lu udah punya duit yang nggak habis tujuh turunan, akhirnya motivasi lu untuk kerja bukan lagi sekedar untuk nyari duit, there must be something beyond that yang bikin lu tetep terus nyari duit. Walaupun sebenernya ada pilihan untuk bilang cukup, berhenti, nikmatin. Pensiun dini, foya-foya, nikmatin hidup, misalnya, haha.

Never mind, just another wild thought of mine. Maybe I am need rest 😅

Saturday, August 6, 2022

Kesel nggak sih lama-lama, liat/denger orang ngomongin investasi, saham, kripto, bla-bla. Pas cuan langsung pasang story logo shiba inu, tapi pas kebanting nangis kena mental.

Nyinyir kan gue.

Aslinya gue paling males kalo ngomongin duit, karena jatohnya jadi preferensi pribadi yang nggak bisa didebatkan. Duit duit lu, mau ditabung kek, dipake foya-foya kek, binomo kek, serah. Tapi gegara barusan nonton video (ngakunya) tutorial jadi dividend hunter ternyata cuman disuruh liat kalender RTI, masuk deket-deket cum date trus jual pas ex-date, diakhiri dengan kata-kata disclaimer on, gue jadi ketrigger buat ngedumel di sini. Ngonten sih ngonten, tapi ga bikin sesat juga dek 👿

Emang nggak bisa dipungkiri sih, awal masuk ke dunia investasi kita pasti melewati fase jadi "penjudi." Ga tau mau mulai darimana, mau ngapain, cuma tau takut tabungan tergerus inflasi. Atau pengen dapet passive income. Akhirnya asal naruh duit di sembarang investasi. Gue bersyukur gue melewati fase itu jauh sebelum era sosmed kyk sekarang. Belom ada pom-pomers, influencer, apalagi grup vvip jual stockpick harian 😅 Miris aja kemaren kepoin ig nya salah satu "influencer saham" yang followersnya dengan polosnya nurut disuruh beli ini itu. Padahal 10 tahun yang lalu si influencer pernah diblacklist sama sesepuh-sesepuh di kaskus gegara kelakuannya yang suka bikin sesat biar dia bisa buang barang di harga tinggi. Sekarang diulangin lagi di ig pake modus yang sama.

Balik lagi ke dividend hunter. Nggak sesimpel itu, begitu tau cum date trus masuk beli sahamnya. Itu telat banget. Belum lagi pas ex date ternyata nyangkut, gimana ceritanya mau pindah emiten. Sebego-begonya masih mending masuk pas muncul jadwal RUPS, karena cum date ga akan jauh-jauh setelah RUPS dan harga belum terlalu naik. Walaupun yang paling bener ya hunting mulai dari awal tahun waktu laporan keuangan tahunan baru keluar. Dibaca, dihitung EPS nya, diestimasi nominal dividen dari DPR tahun-tahun sebelumnya. Baru kemudian ambil keputusan mau beli sahamnya ato engga dengan dividend yield segituan. Ribet? Iya. Lama? Iya. Tapi jelas nggak "berjudi."

Atau kalo mau ditarik jauh ke belakang lagi, sebelum mulai investasi, pastiin dulu money management kita kuat. Dana darurat, wajib. Sisanya bebas mau pake cara budgeting berapa persen buat apa, asuransi dulu, ato ambil secukupnya sisanya ditabung/investasi semua. Kalo money management udah kuat, baru lanjut mentalnya yang dikuatin 😅 Iya mental, karena pasar ga kenal ampun 😅 Jadi harus siap bahkan sejak mau milih instrumen investasi.

Mau aman, obligasi negara. Disyukuri aja returnnya cuman segitu. Mau amal, CWLS. Mau nguatin mental, saham. Mau cape, forex. Mau judi, kripto. Mau nggak likuid, ke properti, tanah, dll. Semua punya resikonya masing-masing. Reksadana yang dulunya gue anggep paling seimbang risk dan rewardnya pun ternyata ada aja dramanya. Bukan nakutin. Pengalaman pribadi waktu reksadana dari manajer investasi favorit gue dilikuidasi. Setelah diekspos baru kebaca kalo duit kita cuman dipake sama mafia saham buat ngegoreng harga saham. Belum lagi krisis yang nggak bisa diprediksi. Gue inget tahun 2019 kalo ga salah, Jiwasraya, Asabri, dan beberapa reksadana kena skandal. Termasuk manajer investasi gue. Parahnya, pas lagi ribet-ribetnya ngurus proses likuidasi, tiba-tiba pasar modal krisis gegara covid. Aset yang lagi proses likuidasi nilainya anjlok, sisa 15%. Itupun isinya saham-saham yang nyangkut ga bisa dijual. Nangis darah gak. Itu kenapa gue bilang musti kuat mental. Apapun instrumennya, semua butuh proses belajar yang berat dan nggak cepet.

Let's say saham. Musti lewatin fase jatuh bangun dulu untuk tau kita cocoknya masuk aliran apa. Fundamental, teknikal, bandarmology. Pilih satu, trus selesai? Belum, perjalanan masih panjang. Fundamental ada value investing, growth investing, dan turunan-turunannya. Kalo value investing, fokus aja ke perusahaan-perusahaan yang jadi market leader di sektornya. Pilih yang yakin selalu mampu bagi dividen, dan gak akan bangkrut meski krisis parah. Mindsetnya yang penting duit kita aman tanpa drama sampai puluhan tahun ke depan. Pergerakan harga saham harian, bulanan, tahunan, gak penting. Kuncinya dividen. Beli pas di harga serendah mungkin biar pas bagi dividen bisa dapet yield yang lebih besar. Jangan beli karena ikut-ikutan ato karena sering denger nama perusahaannya. Baca LK, atau minimal liat keystats dasar: revenue (bisa muter duit gak), laba bersih (bisa nyari untung gak), hutang (bisa bayar hutang gak), aset dan ekuitas (bisa survive dari krisis gak), EPS (bisa ngasih dividen berapa). PBV skip, nggak penting-penting amat. Kalo udah yakin perusahaan bener-bener sehat, baru beli. 

Kalo growth investing, cari perusahaan yang terus bertumbuh. Laba tumbuh, revenue tumbuh, EPS tumbuh tahun demi tahun, meskipun saat ini valuasinya terlihat mahal. Hitung estimasi EPS tahun-tahun mendatang. Atau sebaliknya cari perusahaan yang salah harga, alias valuasinya terlalu murah. Fokusnya ke harga saham dengan timeframe tahunan. Dividen yield belum penting, karena faktanya perusahaan yang salah harga rata-rata gak doyan bagi dividen. Makanya pasar mengapersiasi dengan harga saham yang murah, alias ga laku, untuk sekarang. Sebelum beli, cari tau kenapa gak bagi dividen padahal PERnya rendah, misalnya. Bisa jadi lagi fokusin profit buat bayar hutang, atau nguatin ekuitas, atau simply ownernya pelit atau alasan politis lainnya. Kalo udah bener-bener yakin perusahaan bakal bisa menyelesaikan pe-ernya (kenapa gak bagi dividen) dan yakin di masa depan bakal bisa ngasih dividen, baru boleh beli. Musti diingat, meskipun beli saham salah harga fokusnya ke capital gain dari kenaikan harga beberapa tahun ke depan, tapi tetep, di fundamental, dividen adalah koentji. Karena kalo udah bisa ngasih dividen, baru harga saham akan naik signifikan.

Mau value investing atau growth investing, intinya sama-sama kuat-kuatin baca LK, screening keystats. Kalo udah, baru ke pe-er selanjutnya, biasain analisis LK yang mendalam biar gak ketipu LK yang ngaku-ngaku sehat padahal cuma cantik di atas kertas. Gimana caranya dari informasi di LK yang notabene data masa lalu kita bisa mengestimasi kinerja perusahaan di masa depan. Biar di depan gak nangis kayak yang pegang GIAA, yang katanya market leader di penerbangan, BUMN aman punya pemerintah, keliatannya berkelas, ujung-ujungnya suspend mau dipailitkan. Kalo pe-er analisis LK udah kelar, dasarnya udah kuat, baru boleh main-main ke aliran oportunis macem dividend hunter, IPO hunter, dan sebagainya.

Teknikal lebih kompleks lagi. Ada style intraday, swing, scalping, bsjp (beli sore jual pagi), bla-bla. Klo style intraday musti komitmen, jual-beli musti kelar dalam waktu satu hari bursa. Manfaatin pergerakan harga di sesi 1 dan sesi 2 bursa. Ga urusan mau profit atau loss, komitmen sehari musti kelar. Kalo style scalping musti punya skill jadi copet. Harga naik 3-4 tick, take profit, kabur. Pindah yang lain. 1-5 menit per emiten cukup. Mindsetnya mirip di forex, gapapa sehari profit cuman 1%, toh dalam 20 hari bursa, profit 20% udah di tangan. Kalo style swing musti ngikutin siklus sektor-sektor yang lagi jadi sentimen. Rusia-Ukraina perang, batubara pasti naik. Komoditas naik. Masuk ke perusahaan yang diuntungkan. Yang rugi karena biaya produksi naik, tinggalin. Perang selesai, pindah ke sektor lain yang sentimennya lagi positif. Dan seterusnya. Mau aliran teknikal apapun, LK nggak penting. Dividen apalagi. Yang penting pergerakan harga saham. Teknisnya mau milih dengan cara ngehafal pattern candlestick, ngegambar garis-garis halu, trend following, BoW, SoS, dan lain-lain, bebas. Ada ratusan indikator yang bisa dipilih. Setelah milih indikator pun masih ada pe-er lagi. Yaitu mendalami gimana memanfaatkan indikator tersebut sesuai dengan style trading kita pribadi. Misal ma (moving average), mau fokus ke golden cross/death cross bisa, mau pakai kombinasi ma50, ma100, ma200 bisa, atau sekedar buat screening tren juga bisa. Atau ngehafal pattern, mau yang timeframe agak lebar macem head and shoulder, cup and handle, flag, atau pakai timeframe mini seperti doji, three black crows, inverted hammer, juga bisa. Asal jangan dicampur aduk. Pilih, dalami. Semua indikator punya detail masing-masing yang musti didalami. Yang pasti, mindest teknikal secara umum adalah: membaca psikologis pasar dari indikator yang dipakai. Jadi bukan sekedar menghapal pattern trus cocoklogi. Pilih indikator yang paling cocok dengan style kita, dalami dan pahami maknanya, banyak-banyakin trial and error sampai yakin skill udah mateng di indikator tersebut, baru pakai buat ambil keputusan kapan beli dan kapan jual.

Jadi musti jadi investor atau trader? Balik ke kepercayaan masing-masing, karena sampe kiamat pun perdebatan trader vs investor ga akan kelar. Bagi orang fundamental, trading pakai teknikal itu semacam halu ngegambar garis-garis terawangan macem dukun. Bagi orang teknikal, ngapain nunggu berabad-abad buat cuan kalo bisa baca sinyal pasar saat itu juga pakai statistik dan probabilitas. Belum lagi kalo invest tapi salah milih emiten. Udah rugi uang, rugi waktu bertahun-tahun pula. Bandarmology juga gitu. Bagi sebagian orang, bandarmology itu lawak, ga ada yang namanya bandar, adanya ya mekanisme pasar. Tapi bagi yang mendalami, bandarmology  nggak sesimpel nontonin broker summary, tapi juga musti paham gelagat-gelagat aneh di running trade, tau cara ngetest pasar, sampai cara mancing paus a.k.a big fund buat keluar dari balik layar orderbook. Kompleks? Iya. Semua punya detail masing-masing yang harus dipilih dan diselami. Ga bisa cuman bilang gue investor, gue trader, tapi ga konsisten pakai style dan aliran yang mana. Harga naik dikit buru-buru dijual kayak scalper, tapi kalo turun banyak ga berani cutloss, malah average down. Akhirnya jadi investor dadakan, disimpen sampe kiamat. Porto jadi merah semua kan ujungnya.

Kalo kripto gimana? 

Well, gue pernah masuk bitcoin pas masih di harga 20jutaan rupiah. Jual di 30jutaan. Ternyata setahun kemudian harganya naik sampai 700jutaan. Nyesel? Enggak. Nggak ada alasan nyesel karena gimananpun waktu itu gue "berjudi." Belum ngerti banyak tentang blockchain. Minim pengetahuan tentang konsep desentralisasi. Belum dapet kesimpulan apakah kripto masuknya instrumen investasi, komoditas, atau bisa jadi cuma money game. Sekarang pun porto gue cuman ada sedikit kripto yang latar belakang dan kegunaannya bener-bener jelas, sekedar untuk diversifikasi. Buat gue, kripto nggak bisa disebut dengan mata uang digital, karena jelas nggak ada fundamentalnya. Apalagi emas digital, jelas bukan. Komoditas? Bisa. Alat pembayaran? Bisa, meski belum signifikan. Entah nanti kalau NFT dan metaverse bisa booming. Sebenernya masih banyak yang pengen gue bahas tentang kripto, cuman kayaknya postingan gue udah kepanjangan. Intinya kalo mau jadiin kripto sebagai instumen investasi, musti yakin dengan jelas dulu kegunaannya, mekanisme desentralisasinya, nilai intrinsiknya muncul dari mana. Apakah dari reward untuk jasa desentralisasinya yang butuh biaya operasional yang besar, apakah hanya dari mekanisme pasar dan pom-poman-nya Elon Musk, atau suka-suka developernya mau ngasih harga berapa di awal pengembangannya. Kecuali kalo niatnya judi, ya bebas mau milih yang mana, tinggal kuat-kuatan mental. Karena kripto emang mayoritas scam, money game, ponzi berkedok teknologi blockchain, kecuali beberapa yang bener-bener untuk teknologi masa depan.

Just my opinion about investing things. Di satu sisi bagus udah pada melek investasi. Tik-tok, IG, youtube isinya influencer semua. Bagus, karena pasar juga butuh orang-orang yang nyangkut 😂 Just kidding. Di sisi lain, prihatin aja banyak influence yang misleading dan menyesatkan, jual mimpi demi konten, bahkan banyak juga yang sengaja ngorbanin followersnya biar bisa exit di harga tinggi. Miris. Gue sendiri bukan orang yang tiap hari terjun langsung ke dunia pasar modal, jadi pengetahuan gue jelas terbatas. Tapi seenggaknya gue bisa bedain mana yang beneran niat berbagi ilmu mana yang ngonten doang tanpa tanggung jawab. Intinya trust no one. Literally no one, bahkan influencer yang followernya jutaan sekalipun. Do your own research. Karena di pasar modal, kita nggak punya kontrol untuk apapun selain ngejual dan ngebeli. Masih mending feelingmology daripada harus ikut-ikutan stockpick dari influencer, grup telegram, dan lain-lan. 

Friday, April 15, 2022
I hate goodbyes.
Even when it might be better that way.

I'm referring to all kinds of goodbyes, not only to human, but also other things like pets, stuffs, habits, places, feelings, even circumstances. Yeah, we all hate changes, right. The uncertainty, the fear of loses, the afraid ofs, the costs that sunk. 

But to be precise, its not the change that we're afraid of. Its actually the unlearn. The missing of what used to. Something that used to fill some space in our mind is gone, and now there is gap in that space. 

Not to mention the disappointment of the plans, the hopes, the promises, or demands of "thank you" and "sorry" that will never be fulfilled. And at the end of it, the memories that cannot be taken back.

I used to think that whoever leave first, he win. The burden of being left, the taste of abandonment, the feeling of unappreciated, the unsolved problems, all on the one who stay. Yeah, i used to be that sh*thead when i was much younger. Then there are some goodbyes that i cant stop regretting. Not the goodbyes actually, but the way i did it. The careless, reckless way, so bad that affected negatively on their life. And mine too, indirectly. Because i was too naive to realize that when some unpleasant things go away, there are some joy that dissapear too. And vice versa. Zero sum game. 

Well I'm not saying that I can handle goodbyes better now, as i still dont know if I should celebrate or cry over goodbyes, or act like nothing happened at all. But at least I know that we shouldn't expect anything at all and just move forward.

Ah ngomong apa sih. Anyway, its only the first month of the year tapi gue udah pengen ngeluh-ngeluh aja. I mean, kesel nggak sih ketika lu udah voluntarily ngorbanin banyak hal demi sesuatu (a.k.a orang lain) tapi akhirnya semua terbuang percuma. Atau ketika kita bilang its a good thing, good for you, padahal dalam hati nggak rela, ingin mengacak-acak seisi dunia. "I'm okay" is the lamest statement ever imo, as people mostly say it when they are not actually okay. 

Ya ya you can say its a fallacy, called sunk cost fallacy bla bla, but theories are useless without a win-win solution. I always hate "smart" people who loves to talk about theories. Because if they are really that smart they will instinctly aware about that nobel-prize Dunning-Kruger theory that says stupid people think they are smart and vice versa, atau '3 tahap orang berilmu' dari Umar bin Khatab. Orang pinter nggak akan ngerasa dirinya cukup pantes ngomong "seharusnya bla bla", orang sabar nggak akan ngerasa dirinya cukup sabar, orang baik nggak akan ngerasa dirinya sudah cukup baik. Dan sebaliknya orang br*ngs*k nggak akan ngerasa dirinya br*ngs*k.. Opss, pardon my words 😱 

Anyway lagi, there are some events these times, that make me realize that we actually can never have full control of our lives. I mean, we have lesser control to our life than we think. Our job, our responsibility, even our very own health. 

Other people's act, that's what actually dictate us. 

Its not that i'm blaming society, and yes, we can do nothing about it. But sometimes its hard somehow to accept someone's decision when we are the one who's being sacrificed. 

Yeah, you need to be tough as hell to keep being good and sane at the same time. Because unlike in movies, in real life strong people lose to the weak. The selfless lose to the selfish. The good-hearted lose to the mean. The quiet one lose to the tukang hasut. 

Hadehh, lama nggak ngeblog, sekalinya ngeblog isinya posting nyampah as usual 😅

Tuesday, January 18, 2022

Everything in life is zero sum game. From quantum physics to general relativity. From facts to belief. From order to chaos. Gravity, matter, time, age, food pyramids from biology class, chemical reactions, stock exchange, money, rules, thoughts, mental state. Everything. Like energy that can only be transformed. Like the rain falls to give birth to the grasses. Like when we feel better by hurting someone.

We always find new excuses to normalize things we shouldn't. With opinions, theories, idealisms that seems smarter and smarter. But not actually. We only rebrand the label using more modern words and put some denial on it. Feminist think their thoughts will make everyone equal. Religist think that one belief will put the world in peace. Stoichist think we're able to live the life without hurting people. But we are not aware that with every gain we take, there a loss on the other side. 

We, human, think we need to control everything. We think we can. But we forget about consequences, the chain reactions, the bigger picture. We forget that universe has its own way to rebalance things - sometimes, in a way we dont want it..



...and if anything i can say to what happened to you, it is sorry, promise i'll learn from it..



Wednesday, September 22, 2021

Dunno how to say it, but i have a feeling something big has happened to you there. Am i right? Or am i just daydreaming? However, its about the time, right? There, on the other side of this locked door you're getting ready to face the forking road. Which path do you choose? I hate this wall forbid me to see anything. So close, yet feels so far.

Do you believe in signs? Like suddenly remembered someone out of nothing? Like finding things that brings back fraction of memories? Or am i just overlooking some small events that makes my brain recalls things related to you? Ah maybe i'm just  too much in logic and forget that it's actually how it feels when we miss somebody.

Anyway, the last time we had a conversation, I surprised you still remember the name of my cat. I cant even recall yours. But I do remember that call you did back there, so long ago. Yeah, the first time I hear your voice on the phone, using an unknown number and act like a friend of mine. I didnt recognize it was you and i didnt have a clue but you kept going on. Remember the moment? It was just a funny little thing, but it had me changed the way i see you, and no way i dont relive that very moment from time to time. After all, our brain only allow us to remember memories that are pleasant for us, right? If only we'd made much more of it back then.

Its funny huh, how we can not know what details about us people will remember. Nor the things we influence people with. I admit that there's some little things i do thanks to you. And if we ever have a chance to talk again, one thing i'd like to know is if there is something i influenced you about. 

Hey barefoot cinderella, have you found the shoes you're looking for? This world is cruel, as you always know. Fairy tales only tell us the good part, and if you ask me i'd prefer to see you sit on fences the way you always did rather than on the throne. But my footprints has faded away and its time for you to make up minds yourself, right? So please mind your step. I really wish you're all okay there.

Monday, May 17, 2021
Just woken up in a misty midnight. Have myself an egg sandwich and a cup of americano, sit on the foresty view backyard, and thinking. About everything. About how i managed to live here in the place I'd considered as the last option to stay, back years ago. About the people and all the rollercoasting social connection here and there. About how people think my life is totally fine and I'm strong enough to take another disappointment from their insecurities, when actually I'm not. Been a hard two years for me, why cant people just choose to be supportive, instead of demand me to satisfy their needs? Ah, I hate being weak and grumbly, but give me a break (and a hug, maybe? haha).

Relationships, all kind of relationships, is about give and take. Friendships, families, siblings, neighbors, lovers, spouses, anything. There is always a side who gives more while the other side takes more. Sometimes we give more. Sometimes we take more. Sometimes, we forget to be grateful for being the side who takes more. And sometimes its hurt when you genuinely giving your best being the side who gives more but taken for granted. Its not that I demand any callback or appreciation or acknowledgement or affirmation or whatsoever, but, I did my best, and I think its better embrace solitude than being someone that keep feeding anyone's ego. Well, not so sure if I can stand to settle here for a long time tho, but i'm trying to go with the flow. The ambience, the interactions, the problems and the lessons. 

Anyway, one thing I can say about the temptation of being human. Its not money, lust, or fame. The real challenge is how you throw away counterproductive thoughts that already settle in your mind. How you forget negative information you already normalize. Memories from the feeling of satisfiying experience (or traumatic one), impulsive ideas, unnecessary obsessions, irrelevant habits or way of thinking you already live with. I often hear this phrase, that to learn is to unlearn. We taught to remember and memorize everything since we were in school. But we never taught how to forget. We taught to solve problems by reasoning everything, to learn by asking why, but I think its not how we should do it. Because sometimes, some problems aren't meant to be solved. Some are meant to be left behind, and all we need to do is to stop remember, stop ask why, and let the time direct our path.

Monday, May 3, 2021
The true form of acceptance is when you finally realize there is nothing left to face but a broken heart. No more anger, no more demand of sincere apology, no more needs of an explanation, because nothing left worth to argue. Only that feeling when you know you've left alone to fix mess you didn't do. Only that feeling when you fake a smile, no worries i'm fine, but you're not. That feeling when you take the blame so everyone in the room is happy, and you slip out the door crying unnoticed. That feeling when you sit by the window staring at the sky, stop asking why, and know that all the feels you're feeling are valid, doesn't really matter anymore what their reason is.

A friend of mine used to tell me not to ever forgive people who have taken us for granted. They apologize only because they feel bad to themself, but they will never ever change the way they see us. Once you're a flaw, you're a flaw. Your forgiveness and attention is too easy and cheap for them and it's never gonna change.

Now i think she's right.

There's a difference between forgiveness, acceptance, and letting go. We can apologize for hundreds time, think we're sorry, and still have the same point of view. But you can only  sorry when you change the way you see everything. When you know you have no excuse left to justify anything but the word sorry.

Yeah, we can be that shallow, "good" people who sees the world in black and white, always have the white on us to excuse, and the black on people to blame. We love to see ourself as a good persona, putting up "good" and "bad" label to people using ourself as the standard of the good, and ended up being judgemental. We can be those people who try to change other people into what we think is good and right.

Or we can be that person who wonder, is there anyone in the world really want to be a bad people? Is there any kid dreaming of being a criminal? Are prostitute really wants to be a prostitute? Are people really want to be a drunk and abusive, or is there any cheater cheats only for fun? No. There's always an excuse for everything, a reason behind everything, we all know that. 

And sometimes i wonder, why should people still excuse in their apology when we already know they have reasons and nobody really means to do bad things, but they still did it anyway? Why people still using logic to justify on the feeling things?

If the word nobody in the phrase "nobody is perfect" really means nobody including ourself, then why we still think we're a good people who deserves the best? Why we compare fresh apple with the one we've bitten? Why even we compare at all? None of us really think ourself is a bad person, but do good people really think that they're a good person? Who are we, to decide what is good and what is bad? All we know is we can never do what we dont want people to do to us.

And about letting go, we all know, nothing is really gone from our memory. We forget, but it will always come up from time to time.
Wednesday, April 15, 2020
rei@2015