Dont Ask Why

Just woken up in a misty midnight. Have myself an egg sandwich and a cup of americano, sit on the foresty view backyard, and thinking. About everything. About how i managed to live here in the place I'd considered as the last option to stay, back years ago. About the people and all the rollercoasting social connection here and there. About how people think my life is totally fine and I'm strong enough to take another disappointment from their insecurities, when actually I'm not. Been a hard two years for me, why cant people just choose to be supportive, instead of demand me to satisfy their needs? Ah, I hate being weak and grumbly, but give me a break (and a hug, maybe? haha).

Relationships, all kind of relationships, is about give and take. Friendships, families, siblings, neighbors, lovers, spouses, anything. There is always a side who gives more while the other side takes more. Sometimes we give more. Sometimes we take more. Sometimes, we forget to be grateful for being the side who takes more. And sometimes its hurt when you genuinely giving your best being the side who gives more but taken for granted. Its not that I demand any callback or appreciation or acknowledgement or affirmation or whatsoever, but, I did my best, and I think its better embrace solitude than being someone that keep feeding anyone's ego. Well, not so sure if I can stand to settle here for a long time tho, but i'm trying to go with the flow. The ambience, the interactions, the problems and the lessons. 

Anyway, one thing I can say about the temptation of being human. Its not money, lust, or fame. The real challenge is how you throw away counterproductive thoughts that already settle in your mind. How you forget negative information you already normalize. Memories from the feeling of satisfiying experience (or traumatic one), impulsive ideas, unnecessary obsessions, irrelevant habits or way of thinking you already live with. I often hear this phrase, that to learn is to unlearn. We taught to remember and memorize everything since we were in school. But we never taught how to forget. We taught to solve problems by reasoning everything, to learn by asking why, but I think its not how we should do it. Because sometimes, some problems aren't meant to be solved. Some are meant to be left behind, and all we need to do is to stop remember, stop ask why, and let the time direct our path.