Sixcycle

I hate goodbyes.

Even when it might be better that way.

I'm referring to all kinds of goodbyes, not only to human, but also other things like pets, stuffs, habits, places, feelings, even circumstances. Yeah, we all hate changes, right. The uncertainty, the fear of loses, the afraid ofs, the costs that sunk. 

But to be precise, its not the change that we're afraid of. Its actually the unlearn. The missing of what used to. Something that used to fill some space in our mind is gone, and now there is gap in that space. 

Not to mention the disappointment of the plans, the hopes, the promises, or demands of "thank you" and "sorry" that will never be fulfilled. And at the end of it, the memories that cannot be taken back.

I used to think that whoever leave first, he win. The burden of being left, the taste of abandonment, the feeling of unappreciated, the unsolved problems, all on the one who stay. Yeah, i used to be that sh*thead when i was much younger. Then there are some goodbyes that i cant stop regretting. Not the goodbyes actually, but the way i did it. The careless, reckless way, so bad that affected negatively on their life. And mine too, indirectly. Because i was too naive to realize that when some unpleasant things go away, there are some joy that dissapear too. And vice versa. Zero sum game. 

Well I'm not saying that I can handle goodbyes better now, as i still dont know if I should celebrate or cry over goodbyes, or act like nothing happened at all. But at least I know that we shouldn't expect anything at all and just move forward.

Ah ngomong apa sih. Anyway, its only the first month of the year tapi gue udah pengen ngeluh-ngeluh aja. I mean, kesel nggak sih ketika lu udah voluntarily ngorbanin banyak hal demi sesuatu (a.k.a orang lain) tapi akhirnya semua terbuang percuma. Atau ketika kita bilang its a good thing, good for you, padahal dalam hati nggak rela, ingin mengacak-acak seisi dunia. "I'm okay" is the lamest statement ever imo, as people mostly say it when they are not actually okay. 

Ya ya you can say its a fallacy, called sunk cost fallacy bla bla, but theories are useless without a win-win solution. I always hate "smart" people who loves to talk about theories. Because if they are really that smart they will instinctly aware about that nobel-prize Dunning-Kruger theory that says stupid people think they are smart and vice versa, atau '3 tahap orang berilmu' dari Umar bin Khatab. Orang pinter nggak akan ngerasa dirinya cukup pantes ngomong "seharusnya bla bla", orang sabar nggak akan ngerasa dirinya cukup sabar, orang baik nggak akan ngerasa dirinya sudah cukup baik. Dan sebaliknya orang br*ngs*k nggak akan ngerasa dirinya br*ngs*k.. Opss, pardon my words 😱 

Anyway lagi, there are some events these times, that make me realize that we actually can never have full control of our lives. I mean, we have lesser control to our life than we think. Our job, our responsibility, even our very own health. 

Other people's act, that's what actually dictate us. 

Its not that i'm blaming society, and yes, we can do nothing about it. But sometimes its hard somehow to accept someone's decision when we are the one who's being sacrificed. 

Yeah, you need to be tough as hell to keep being good and sane at the same time. Because unlike in movies, in real life strong people lose to the weak. The selfless lose to the selfish. The good-hearted lose to the mean. The quiet one lose to the tukang hasut. 

Hadehh, lama nggak ngeblog, sekalinya ngeblog isinya posting nyampah as usual 😅