Are We Running in the Same Timeline?

Been insomnia for months now, and i'm craving for a proper sleep 😪. Some friends suggested me to take some sleeping pills from drugstore, but i asked them if they have some dose of self-esteem instead. Yeah when your reality has shifted that you don't know anymore what is real and what is not, what is right and what is wrong, going back to your own reality takes bunch of self-esteem boost. Woken up in the midnight, memories flashing back, confused of your self, try to sleep, cant shut minds down, fall asleep, repeat. Well, never mind. Seems like this breakdown thing has been become routine cycle for years now. The "feeling low" phase, insomnia, struggles rebuilding yourself. And when you get better, life ruins it with no mercy...again 😪

Anyway, pulang itu emang pelarian terbaik ketika kita lelah dan pengen berhenti sejenak dari kehidupan. No matter how old you are. Cutting connections with people, doing your old hobbies, getting in touch with your childhood friends, going to your favorite places, sleep with our parents. Sometimes people with problems throw away their insecurities to us, and sometimes we clearly see the red flag but fail to leave earlier, makes us lose our mind. Sometimes keeping in touch with a manic depression diagnosed friend means sharing the tense. And taking care of people with schizo symptoms means you have to be ready with those sudden shouts and mixed feelings. Sympathy, pity, anger, suspicious, patience, grief, people talking. And then there are people with insecurities come and go, confused of who they are, what they want. Liars think you lie. Cheaters think you cheat. Pretenders think you pretend. People with hidden trauma project it to us. Exhausting. Sometimes the likes of "cheer up, your life is colorful" from a friend can give us strength for a while, but there's time when you really need that "you're still my good boy" from your mother.

When you have the first mental breakdown ever, you'll feel broken, but you'll learn how to get up stronger, better. Finding yourself, bunch of motivation quotes and books, positivity, those best-version-of-you and god-work-in-unexpected-way, etc etc. Lucky you. But when it comes in routine, you'll find out that nothing is better than proper sleep. All you do is just sleep, sleep, and sleep. No wonder some people choose to commit suicide and sleep forever. No, I'm not in that state, but yeah, you should know that suicide is not as simple as "there are unlucky people born with suicidal tendency" nor those faith and sins things. Human pick their own sins everyday, differently. And that's not where the problem is. Iya, kita sering lompat ke kesimpulan bahwa bunuh diri itu dosa, LGBT itu dosa, kalo kuat iman gak akan gimana-gimana. Tapi ketika lu udah ketemu sama tetangga anak dua yang nggak pernah absen shalat wajib di musala kampung dan tiba-tiba lu tau kalo dia gay, mau nggak mau lu bakal berpikir ulang tentang konsep iman dan dosa, haha.

By the way, a friend showed me an old email between me and her. "Look at what i've found." I barely remember, but it's funny. We weren't even a date but I asked her to marry me, back years ago. Via email. And those words, that's surprisingly sweet, haha. Not a romantic one, but who need romantics when you do it with your heart. "Eight years, and yet here we are, 30's, both single, talking like boys and girls." Haha. "Dont you feel that everything has changed so much now? But i'm not sure, better or worse." Have you ever imagine if we were married back then? Where would we be now? A parent of two children? A divorce? A suffering co-dependent? A happy ever after? We love to project good things in the future, picking and measuring everything based on what we know now. But do we know everything? Good things never come easy, it involves a lot of sacrifice, acceptance, and forgiveness. Marriage is just an event, wont change yourself instantly. First marriage not always be the last, your current spouse may be not your soulmate, what you think is fate may not be concluded yet, no one knows.

Yeah, time is the biggest illusion in life. Imagine if clocks and calendars were never invented.  Imagine if there is no year. Imagine if age and birthdays never exist. Nothing will really run. No pursuits, no goals, no expectation, no quarter-life crisis. Only now.       

A lifetime is a very long time. Longer than we imagine. We pulled in hysteria, we pushed to grief, we shout, we smile. We are all human. We are all tired. We take care of people. We need to be taken care of. We hurt, we get hurt. But there's always limit for a conscience. Keep the people who truly care about us, who trust and accept us as we are. Leave the others away with what ever their judgement.