I dont know if everything is getting harder for everyone or it's just me, but seems like life is trying to make me look around. I mean, how do you feel when one of people you care more than anything suddenly sent you a pic of bleeding hands and said "pengen mati, tapi baru berani segini." You probably scared, worried, or maybe cynicly laugh at it. For me its more like a heart break.
Just about two months ago, another friend told me quite the same thing. I cant tell if he really meant it or it came out just like that, but i noticed something unusual from the way he want to meet me. He's an extrovert guy who wouldn't likely to invite me personally for a cup of coffee just to hanging out and do small talks. We finally met after he canceled it twice, he told me about all his problems that made him dissapeared from our circle, then he finally talked about some suicidal things. He said it with a normal tone, not even sad one, made me worried even more. Maybe i was just too sensitive, but we cant just ignore things like this, right? I didn't know what to say, so i only asked him to keep in touch. I knew toxic positivity or that God's Will speech is useless. They've letting go and pray more than you know, but life keeps bring them down.
Just about two months ago, another friend told me quite the same thing. I cant tell if he really meant it or it came out just like that, but i noticed something unusual from the way he want to meet me. He's an extrovert guy who wouldn't likely to invite me personally for a cup of coffee just to hanging out and do small talks. We finally met after he canceled it twice, he told me about all his problems that made him dissapeared from our circle, then he finally talked about some suicidal things. He said it with a normal tone, not even sad one, made me worried even more. Maybe i was just too sensitive, but we cant just ignore things like this, right? I didn't know what to say, so i only asked him to keep in touch. I knew toxic positivity or that God's Will speech is useless. They've letting go and pray more than you know, but life keeps bring them down.
Hopes are dangerous. Expectations are dangerous. Be careful with your promises, because everyone has their own breaking point. Sometimes someone refuses giving you hope just because they care about you. I always respect people who survived from suicide or depression. They know the best how it feels going to bed every night with pain in the chest physically and wake up in tears thinking what are they even still alive for, while people who torn them apart is being happy somewhere. They know the best how it feels being left alone by all the people who they care the most, each of them, over and over, make them believe themself a failure. Maybe one day we're gonna be in their position, we never know. And when it does, its them who care the most. Not the people you care, not your rich friends, not those happy people out there. Its them who will keep you company, tell you to get some fresh air, honestly say they know how it feels and everything is gonna be okay. So, please be survive.
Friday, January 3, 2020
8:45 PM
sedih :'( kita gak bakal tau kalau kita gak pernah ngerasain, giliran kita udah ngerasain baru tau dan baru bisa ikut bener2 sedih waktu ada yang cerita kayak gitu. apalagi sampe beneran lukain tangan gitu :'(
ReplyDeleteIya bener, biasanya orang cuman kasian tapi ga bener-bener paham gimana rasanya
Deleteone friend of mine ever tell me like this too. no comment, no pity, and dont show any expression on my face. cause i know she just want me to listen her story without any intrupted. and i try to make best effort for always there avery she needs me. bukan karena aku jahat karena ngga menaruh rasa kasihan dll ya. tapi ngga semua orang mau dikasihani, walaupun mereka punya kisah yg kita anggap sedih. trus gw dgn sok pahlawan kasih nasihat2 yg pasti dia udh denger ratusan kali.. like "sabar yah, semua ada jalannya kok", " aku paham ap yg kamu rasakan", atau "aku juga pernah begitu, justru lebih parah"... Bul**it itu semua. wkwkwk.
ReplyDeleteits simple because yes i dont know and i do not understand the pain she feels.
tau jokes dark dia apa? " eh, (namaku). tangan mu kayak gini juga gk, bagus kayak tato keren? hehe".
oh i've just remembered. aku balas aja lagak serius " keren sih, enaknya pake sil*t atau ja*um?". disaat itu jg aku langsung ditoyor donk kepala aku "bego!!. buknnya nolak malah ikutan 'sakit'. cuma ama lu aja gw balik waras.".
Deleteaku bls skeptis " trus klo sakit knp lakuin?, trus klo sakit knp pake cara yg lebih sakit?, aku temenmu loh, masak yg sakit kamu aja.. aku jg temenmu, masak yg waras aku aja. pilih, aku ikut kamu atau kamu ikut aku?"
"ya ikut kamu lah"
at that time, i'm glad she's still 'waras' dalam artian paham mana batasan baik dan buruk, hanya butuh arahan secra perlahan. dan kabar baiknya dia udah sembuh dari berbagai konseling dengan psikiater dan minum obat